Run Into Yourself

Wallow in the depths Burrow deep within Explore the tangled mystery Lament's tendrils harrow Excavate sorrow's benefaction For salvation is the treasure Buried in the barrow

This part takes forever! You feel like you make progress to a place where the ground isn't giving way only to find yourself knee deep (neck deep?!) in devastation again. There really isn't anything other than time that can slowly, incrementally make those times on solid ground last longer and feel more stable and those sudden falls back into despair be a little less dark and quicker to climb out of. During this process I hated hearing "it'll get better with time." That does nothing to help in the moment and can cause a feeling of despair in itself especially when a minute feels like an hour and a day feels like a week.  This is where the distractions will help get you through the hours. Hopefully you'll eventually find that the distractions are things that motivate you, inspire you or at least pull you forward. I tried any and all things that were available if it held even the slightest interest for me. Most things didn't amount to much, other things took ...

I think it's good to distract yourself as much as possible especially in the first year because the pain is just too huge to face head on every day, all day, day after day. Even with distraction there will be plenty of opportunities each day to fall to the floor in a puddle of your own tears because of something as simple as the egg you set on the counter rolling onto the floor and cracking. One of the things I needed to distract myself from was the rage and resentment and feeling that I wanted revenge. From the very beginning I knew I didn't want to hate someone so much. This person already stepped all over my former life and now they were occupying and ruining my present. I couldn't let that person get the better of me and used that resentment and transformed it into positive action for myself ... with lots of stumbling and crashing and wailing along the way.  It was imperative that I put that rage and desire for revenge to the side or it would have become all consuming. ...

I felt as if my whole body had been blasted away and all that was left was a brittle framework upon which hung a few ropey sinews, just enough to perform basic movement; and raw, jagged nerves that never stopped hurting. There was no solidness within. Just an outline with a center filled with pain. I felt completely destroyed. It felt like I not only lost everything including myself, but also the totality of the years of the relationship as well. My faith in myself was completely destroyed. I wept, no, I wailed uncontrollably for long periods every day. I've never heard such sounds from myself before. Sometimes I would find a part of myself observing the person on the floor and knowing I was out of control and not being able to stop. I became completely unmoored from myself. I felt I had no life and sometimes that I had no reason to live. All of this was very disconcerting to say the least! Sometimes it took every ounce of self-control not to do something crazy to myself or to them...

Reach out to as many people as you can. Spread yourself over your friends and family so no one person gets exhausted. What really helped me was being able to text people. I often needed support and connection, but could barely speak. Texting saved me so many times. Sometimes just the act of typing the text and knowing it was going to reach out of my bleak darkness and be received by someone could shift the moment. Sometimes the reply is what offered some piece of wreckage to cling to. Often I would have several text streams going at once. It didn't always have to be about what was going on for me. Sometimes I would ask for a story or a joke or to hear about the normal day a friend had. If you need more Support there is a Text Crisis hot line. Text HOME to 741741 When asking for help I think it's best to avoid people who expect you to feel a certain way about the situation rather than how you actually feel. And believe me your feelings can change from minute to minute. Don't...

You walk around feeling like your body is full of shards of glass. Some of the shards have already penetrated vital organs... like the heart, the stomach, the brain. You move slowly and with caution, afraid that any slip in your attention will allow the shards to penetrate deeper or that the shards will move and force new penetrations to occur. It's impossible to believe that people are walking around in the world without a body full of shards of glass. That they are without a constant gut-wrenching ache that permeates every experience, that NEVER leaves, that has to be constantly monitored to keep your mind and body from being minced into hamburger. People offer platitudes, attempts at support that really are not helpful. Things like: You're better off without that person You'll move beyond this some day Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger God doesn't give us more than we can handle It'll get better, just give it time What they should be saying is, ...