The Devastation (Break Up Blog #3)

I felt as if my whole body had been blasted away and all that was left was a brittle framework upon which hung a few ropey sinews, just enough to perform basic movement; and raw, jagged nerves that never stopped hurting. There was no solidness within. Just an outline with a center filled with pain.

I felt completely destroyed. It felt like I not only lost everything including myself, but also the totality of the years of the relationship as well. My faith in myself was completely destroyed.

I wept, no, I wailed uncontrollably for long periods every day. I've never heard such sounds from myself before. Sometimes I would find a part of myself observing the person on the floor and knowing I was out of control and not being able to stop. I became completely unmoored from myself. I felt I had no life and sometimes that I had no reason to live. All of this was very disconcerting to say the least!

Sometimes it took every ounce of self-control not to do something crazy to myself or to them. I mean like suicide or homicide. These times it was especially helpful to have people I could reach out to. Even so, I became concerned for myself and sought professional help. Several different kinds in fact. Don't be shy about getting help and trying a myriad of different approaches. All of it helps.

For whatever reason we want to act strong and brave; to pretend that we aren't that broken by the betrayal. But believe me, you will be better off in the long run if you can acknowledge your pain and loss. Don't wallow in it, but be honest with yourself. You're the only one who can truly be honest with you.